cried 5 times today til now >_<"

went back to hall to pack up some clothes home, and met eric and yasi while on my way. both asked if i would be attending cf later, which i had to sheepishly reply that i had moved home temporarily, so might not be attending cell for some time. then yasi commented that i lost awfully quite some weight >_<"

depression is an excellent way to slim down i guess. lost like 8 kg in a month, i'm like around 46kg now -___-"

packing up was really hard T_T the monkey quilt, bolster, torto.. God help me T_T i just wept and wept as i packed my clothes.

oh and i decided that his birthday present was too inappropriate ba, considering what i did to him yesterday, he must really really hate me now. i'm such a bitch, wtf was i doing T_T so i got something else, and i realised that i can't make pretty stars, i suck so much T_T

sorta going to leave the box outside his house later, because it may so irk him very much to even see me i guess, but its all i can do, its all i can do T_T

something that you wrote long ago.

*

Sometimes I stare foolishly
into the deep blue sky,
carrying dead thoughts tenderly,
as if they were still alive.
The night is no longer young,
the stars are diminishing ...
The songs that were sung
are now finishing ...
No life in the surroundings,
as the sun is dying,
leaving me in darkness ...
Fear, confusion, sadness ...
My feelings like a stranded man
floating on the big blue ocean,
being whipped up constantly
by violent sea waves.

As I rode on the comet,
I realised ...
My mind was inert,
hearing only your goodbyes.
Like an innocent child floating
across the infinite universe,
across the river Nile,
across the tragic kingdom of dead loners,
across the fires of hell.

I was lost without your guidance,
dead without your love,
weak without your presence,
sad without your mirth ...

And as I look back
through the blazing trail,
I realise, from my closing eyes,
I was alone,
all alone ...

(17th November 1996)

*


i'm so alone.


*


i never finished our homepage.

and its too late to ever continue this task again.


i never treasured you properly until you were gone from my life.

everyday i just surf to your blog which you have abandoned and our homepage and sit at the computer screen and think of our happy times together and cry and think about what a terrible person i must have been. you were never the type to let go, i must have hurt you so deeply and made you so tired that you wanted to give up on me.


i'm a selfish bitch and i ruined your life by bugging you and doing funny things. im evil, i want only you and don't care that you will be unhappy even though i get you. all i want to do is to try and be the girl you want and try to mend us again. i hurt u deeper everyday though you still try remain nice to me. it's all my fault, no amount of apologies can mend your hurt, why can't i accept that nothing i do will ever make you return back to me T_T





* and the heart yearns

i realised that i had deleted my blog without saving the template.

the blog history will be gone forever too.

-___-

don't know if i'll blog again.

time will heal all wounds, but i'll wait even if it never comes. time will tell ma? >_<"





* and the heart yearns